5 things not to do during a piano concert

1) Leave cell phones on - especially if the ring tone is so clearly not from the same period as the piece being played on stage. For example, if the pianist is playing Liszt's Dante Symphony, please don't have the theme to The Simpsons blare out. Recommended alternative: A ring tone inspired by Mendelssohn.

2) Incessantly unwrap candies. Candy wrappers are potentially hair-raising beasts and there is no way to unwrap these without considerable noise. Recommended alternative: Putting a few tic-tacs in your shirt pocket prior to the concert.

3) Apologize, using words, for sneezing. Recommended alternative: Just let the sneeze be a sneeze.

4) Read the newspaper. Actually, reading one is fine, but turning the pages? Recommended alternative: Download articles onto your Treo - just dim the backlight.

5) Giggle for an hour - especially if you are 30.

Recommended alternative when giggles threaten to surface:

a) go through your cell phone address book and delete, one-by-one, each of your contacts;
b) imagine the tic-tacs in your shirt pocket are actually tiny sacks of baby spiders;
c) stuff tissues into your mouth;
d) read about Darfur, river blindness or sub-prime loans on your treo.