My first day of unemployment. Self-inflicted unemployment, however. I've been working for the Federal Government as an investigator for the past 2 years and have sufficiently witnessed the dimmer-switch gain speed and conviction. The dimmer-switch I speak of is my reflection on self-actualization. I've seen the future. Ask anyone in government service and he or she will tell you, and rightfully so, that they've seen the future. They've seen their future selves. Now, I'm specifically talking about workers in the public sector, such as teachers, police officers, and others on a 'track' toward retirement. Everything is geared around retirement and the road to it. The first year or so at one of these jobs can be exciting. However, after a year the outlook turns grim as you start seeing yourself as a 57 year old unfulfilled civil servant counting the days. Quite literally, there are colleagues of mine who know, to the day, how many they have left prior to kissing the agency's sweet ass good bye. I am not fit for this service; this portension sits boldly in line with my rush to skin myself alive. Therefore, I have elected to take leave without pay for roughly 2 months. During this time, I will be engaged with my world and the world abound and about myself. I will revisit what it is I thought I want out of life, out of the life I was afforded. I have the potential, the capacity and, dare I say, possible naievete, to step out of the circus of accrual, the circus of service, the circus of self-loathing just for a brief while. Long enough, hopefully, to re-engage me.
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